UKAuthors - Your British Citizenship Test.

Our Mighty Leader has decreed that new arrivals should take a test on British customs and society. Naturally, there are "no plans" to force us ALL to take it...so we'd better start practising, eh?

YOUR BRITISH CITIZENSHIP TEST.

This is the latest in the Government's long list of jolly wheezes, enabling you to feel fully at home while simultaneously taking a good wodge of cash off you. Remember that you can take the test as many times as you like, so you can make it up as you go along. We don't mind – you just keep paying, which is exactly how we like it.

BRITISH CUSTOMS, CEREMONIES AND HISTORY.

Naturally, you will need to understand the vagaries of odd British customs. If you fail to do so, you may well find yourself on the receiving end of the infamous "British Sense of Humour". Ready?

“The Glorious Twelfth” is particularly well celebrated in Scotland. It is:

     1). “Look up an Old Friend Tonight” or National Kilt-wearing Day.
     2). The first day of the haggis hunting season.
     3). National Sobriety Day. (!)

In Wales, March 1st is celebrated as:

     1). National “Take-a-Leek Day.”
     2). The beginning of the bastard English holiday cottage burning season.
     3). The day when true Welshmen can play with their odd-shaped balls to their hearts’ content, grab hold of each other in public than all pile into the shower for plenty of soapy fun, boyo.

The monarch on the throne at the time of The Spanish Armada was:

     1). Good Queen Bess.
     2). Old King Cole.
     3). Nat King Cole.

King Henry VIII had:

     1). An attitude problem.
     2). Loads of wives, six of which were his own.
     3). A big chopper, and he was fond of using it.

EVERYDAY LIFE.

You are confronted in the street by a large group of knuckle-dragging young males who are clearly no more than one step up the evolutionary ladder from Neanderthals. It is Saturday lunchtime, and they are clad entirely in blue as well as being obviously intoxicated and anxious for a taste of raw meat, human or otherwise. What do you say?

     1) Excuse me, lovey, I'd rather like to mince into my chum's flower shop to purchase a nice big pink bouquet for my boyfriend. Ooh, you're a big lad, aren't you?
     2) Let's hope Arsenal crush these Chelsea no-hopers six-nil, eh?
     3) Bloody hell, I'm off.

You are strolling down the street, amazed at the deferential attitudes of passing children, their ever-polite language and the conspicuous lack of litter. Suddenly, you see a suspicious-looking character leaning towards passing strangers and shouting “Gishoo” at them. You:

     1). Assume they’re mentally unwell. You therefore cross the road and scurry past.
     2). Assume they’ve got a terrible cold, and want to share it round. You therefore cross the road and scurry past.
     3). Assume they’re selling a very worthwhile magazine in aid of the homeless. You therefore cross the road and scurry past.

You’re in the market, wondering why everything’s double the price it is in Tesco. You approach a vegetable stall, and marvel at the weird goods on offer – brockly, sparaguss and pertato’s. You catch the stall holder’s attention and merrily say:

     1). Did you ever go to school, you ignorant dingbat?
     2). Could I have a translation? (Risking being told in no uncertain terms that they’ve not got any left.)
     3). Absolutely nothing, because you don’t want a swift poke in the eye with a cucumber.

You come across a group of overweight men. They are dressed in rustic costume, with bells and ribbons hanging off odd protuberances. They are swilling down real ale as if possessed, but every so often they interrupt this frenzied ritual to leap frantically around to an out-of-tune accordion while attempting to brain each other with cudgels. There may be a spare bod drifting around dressed as some kind of animal, specifically to make small children lose control of their bladders. These are most likely to be:

     1) Morris dancers indulging in their age-old and beer-soaked rituals.
     2) Out-of-work actors being paid by some retraining scheme to “entertain” (ie annoy) the general public.
     3) Loonies on day-release from the local asylum.

CHRISTMAS.

The Queen's Speech appears on telly. Do you:

     1) Stand rigidly to attention, saluting, hanging on her every word but silently wishing that you'd nipped out to the toilet beforehand?
     2) Carry on snoring, having stuffed your fat face until it can't stretch any more and passed out on the sofa?
     3) Turn over to "The Snowman" on Channel Four? (It's ALWAYS on, so that's a safe bet.)

You're watching TV when a sudden tuneless warbling outside startles the cat and drowns out the final, vital line of your favourite whodunnit. You realise that there are carol singers on your doorstep. Do you:

     1) Fling the door wide and boom "Oh, good! There's a warm welcome and money for all!"
     2) Open the door three inches, get them to sing everything again, shout "Rubbish!" and slam the door on their feet.
     3) Hide behind the settee until you're quite sure they're wasting their time plaguing that deaf old git next door.

Your small daughter creeps up and asks you, wide-eyed, whether Santa Claus really exists. Do you:

     1) Assure you that indeed he does, that he can easily get into her bedroom even though you've got no chimney, brilliant locks and double glazing, and that he'll be leaving piles of goodies.
     2) Admit grudgingly that he does, but he'll be so smashed on all that sherry that he'll have fallen off his sleigh somewhere on the North Circular.
     3) Give her the full Quentin Tarantino version, with killer chainsaw-wielding reindeer and bloodthirsty cannibal elves – then see if she wants a midnight visit!

A well-meaning relative or friend happily presents you with the most vile cardigan that Satan himself ever designed. Do you:

     1). Thank them profusely, then try to flog the offending article on e-bay?
     2). Tell them that it’s just what you always wanted, and that no-one’s ever been kind enough to give them a cardie with three arms before, then abandon it outside the Oxfam shop ASAP?
     3). Burn it publicly and have a contract put out on the unsuspecting donor?

LIVING IN LONDON.

Here, you’re bound to get assailed by tourists on a regular basis, so it’s good to be able to masquerade as a native – after all, there are few genuine ones left.

An ultra - polite group of Japanese tourists stops you in the street. They don’t speak much English, but obviously they want you to take their photo. Do you:

     1). Agree readily, get them to retreat to a suitable distance, then run off with their camera.
     2). Pretend that you’ve never seen a camera before and push past, swearing loudly.
     3). Explain that you don’t understand, waving your arms about and getting progressively louder and louder, before stomping off shouting “Bloody foreigners, eh?”

You hail a taxi. En route to your destination, you would expect the driver to:

     1). Engage you in witty banter about Kierkegaard and his continuing influence on modern philosophy, then wave you on your way after refusing to accept your fare because "You've been such a gent".
     2). Whinge non-stop about the rich *******s he's had in the back this week, and how mean they were when it comes to coughing up tips.
     3). Moan on about how useless immigrants are in general, and what a waste of space you are personally, then overcharge you and demand an outrageous tip before letting you out.

A puzzled tourist asks “What’s that big red thing over there?” You reply:

     1). “It’s a bus, barmpot. You know, dear – get on, pay astronomical fare, sit stationary in traffic for two hours?”
     2). “Oh, dear - don’t look. Go and call a policeman.”
     3). “It’s a guardsman. They just love dressing up and sharing a merry quip with tourists, so go and stick your umbrella up his nose and see what happens.”

Someone asks you to direct them to “Big Ben” – you reply:

     1). “It’s the bell in that big tower over there. I can do you a guided tour, kosher! Just meet me here at six o’clock. That’ll be twenty…no, better make it fifty quid. Yeah, in advance.”
     2). “Well, if THAT’S what you’re looking for, cheeky, there’s this little club up Greek Street….”
     3). “Big WHO? Nah, never ‘eard of ‘im, squire.”


IN THE PUB

You are enjoying a quiet drink in a pub. You feel in need of conversation, so approach the nearest group and introduce yourself. Do they:

     1) Engage you in friendly chat, treating you as a long-lost friend?
     2) Drink up rapidly, glance at their watches and make a hasty run for the exit mumbling about poofs?
     3) Get you to buy the next, very expensive, round, then repeat 2 above?

You are out with a group of friends, enjoying a modest number of drinks and making quiet, polite chit-chat. Suddenly, you realise that it’s the chap next to you’s turn to buy a round. How would you remind him of this fact? Would you:

     1). Wave your empty glass immediately in front of his face, grasp your throat as if about to expire from thirst, and fall quivering to the floor while making loud gasping noises.
     2). Gently say: “Excuse me, old chap, but I do believe that it’s your round.”
     3). Leap to your feet shouting “F* ck me, you tight (fill in your own assorted references to the chap’s parentage, nationality and state of mind), are we all gonna die of bleedin’ thirst, or what?” then conduct an animated lecture, addressed to the entire clientele of the pub, concentrating upon the terrible inadequacy of your friend’s sexual technique, generosity and genitals.

You realise, to your horror, that it is soon to be YOUR round. Do you:

     1). Suddenly “realise” that you’ve left your wallet at home?
     2). Feign stomach cramps and rush to the toilets, only emerging after a decent interval to discover that your friends couldn’t wait any longer and left/bought their own?
     3). Ask innocently “They DO take Bank of Azerbaijan/Hicksville/Toytown Gold Cards, don’t they? I never carry cash.”

When ordering drinks, which is the best approach to take?

     1). “Of course, I’m a big mate of Vinnie Jones, me. Is that lot on the ‘ouse, then, sunshine?”
     2). “I’m new here. I’ll have a pint of your finest ale, my good man, in a real Oldde Englishe tankard. Ooh, lovely! Five pounds fifty? Sounds reasonable!”
     3). “Yes, I would like a half-pint of beer, please. Er, no…I’m not exactly sure which…could you please tell me about them all before I decide, in great detail? Yes, indeed I HAVE got all bleeding day, since you so kindly ask. Of course I don’t think this is the Ritz. Sorry - what off?”

*****

Now fold up your paper neatly and send it to HMSO, London with a big cheque. The bigger this is, the greater your chance of passing this time. Those failing may obtain a copy of the answers from the above address for another large cheque.

NB Passing this test may, at the Government’s discretion, enable you to purchase your ID card (at substantial extra cost), then your passport (ditto) and finally your Licence to Breath in the UK. (ditto).

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