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Random Story |
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Poetry: Pay-per-view 21-06-2004 - by TheGeeza
(133 words) |
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My first effort at a poem.
I had this in my head and wanted to let it out.
Interested to know if it works for anyone.
He screams at every hammer blow,
blood leaking from His wrist.
He talks into the headset,
but the words are lost,
the screen has switched
to flogging Christmas shit.
The camera goes to close up,
there’s tears upon His face.
For extra cash,
you get the chance
to watch it twice a day.
The clouds, they start to darken,
the rain, it starts to fall.
The broadcast stops,
they’ve got enough,
they want to show football.
Critique/comments welcome
Average Score: 7.66 / Votes: 3
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Comment posted by bluepootle
(2004-06-21 03:25:26 )
Send bluepootle a Private
Message | theres a bluntness to this, short hammering words which give it a power. I'm not sure about the the last line of the first verse - maybe its the swearing which seems out of place, not sure why. I'll be interested to see what others think on that one. | |
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Comment posted by Faerie
(2004-06-21 03:36:27 )
Send Faerie a Private
Message | i agree wtih bluepootle about the bluntness..
i think this is really impressive for a first effort at poetry..
youre making an interesting commentary here...the first thing that came to mind was 'the passion of the christ'.. i dont know if that was intentional on your part.. but i think i should probably come back to this later.. definitely made me think.
nancy | |
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Comment posted by spacegirl
(2004-06-21 05:07:43 spacedangie@yahoo.co.uk)
Send spacegirl a Private
Message | Wellity, wellity, wellity. The Geeza does poetry. Are you going soft?
I agree, the last line is out of place with the rest. What made you want to write it? It is good, but confused me I thought it was about footy at first, ppv, Hammer blow | |
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Comment posted by TheGeeza
(2004-06-21 06:03:55 it_steve@hotmail.com)
Send TheGeeza a Private
Message | The swearing: anger. The rubbish flogged at that time of year as part of a religious festival that is against the very nature of the event. That's what I tried to say! Perhaps didn't come across?
Thanks for your comment as ever, BP.
Steve. | |
Author: [ delete ] this comment |
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Comment posted by bluepootle
(2004-06-21 06:15:08 )
Send bluepootle a Private
Message | nope, I got it loud and clear and got the anger too - I don't think the swear word makes the anger communicate, that's all... it almost fogs the points you're making I think. Which is strange, cos usually I'm all for swearing! Just not in this poem, for me. | |
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Comment posted by TheGeeza
(2004-06-21 06:21:40 it_steve@hotmail.com)
Send TheGeeza a Private
Message | I haven't seen that film yet, but it's a similar thing I had in mind.
Thanks, Nancy.
Steve.
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Comment posted by TheGeeza
(2004-06-21 06:47:30 it_steve@hotmail.com)
Send TheGeeza a Private
Message | lol - yeah, gone soft and "arty".
You probably associated me with football, saw "hammer", saw the word "football" and ... judged book by its cover? ;-) (hopefully).
As for what made me want to write it? One of my aims for the year and to express my opinions in different ways.
Thanks, Rose.
Steve.
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Comment posted by TheGeeza
(2004-06-21 06:48:37 it_steve@hotmail.com)
Send TheGeeza a Private
Message | Thanks, BP. I shall have a think... any suggestions?
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Comment posted by Claire
(2004-06-21 15:23:32 cj002e7644@blueyonder.co.uk)
Send Claire a Private
Message | It is good to have a dabble in poetry whether you know anything about it or not.
This is very... slap in ya face! It is beyond blunt. It has a hard driving voice in it, which I like. For a first dabble this is pretty good. | |
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Comment posted by TheGeeza
(2004-06-21 17:08:39 it_steve@hotmail.com)
Send TheGeeza a Private
Message | Thanks, Claire. Blunt probably sums me up in a lot of ways!
Steve.
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Comment posted by flash
(2004-06-21 17:17:49 fiexxy@bigfoot.com)
Send flash a Private
Message | HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
And you call me bonkers, here you are joining the darkside...........can you return to the light?
Don't do poetry so i can't offer anything constructive, just saying well done for having a bash, this might be good i but i wouldn't know. | |
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Comment posted by TheGeeza
(2004-06-21 17:24:05 it_steve@hotmail.com)
Send TheGeeza a Private
Message | Ta, Flashykins.
The Force was strong on this one.
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Comment posted by bluepootle
(2004-06-22 07:35:08 )
Send bluepootle a Private
Message | how about a more precise image? give us an example of the xmas shit being flogged to really pinpoint for the reader. will give it a think but hopefully you see what I mean | |
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Comment posted by TheGeeza
(2004-06-22 09:54:38 it_steve@hotmail.com)
Send TheGeeza a Private
Message | Gotcha.... agree. I'll have a think. Thanks, BP. | |
Author: [ delete ] this comment |
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Comment posted by Skeeter
(2004-06-22 11:58:57 )
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Message | I like it, and I like the anger in it, which is almost contempt; because it seems to me anger at the betrayal, or surrender, of values. I think that's an important message, because without value, what is the world except exchange and trivia? | |
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Comment posted by TheGeeza
(2004-06-22 14:47:17 it_steve@hotmail.com)
Send TheGeeza a Private
Message | Thanks, Skeets. Pleased it came across because that's exactly what I was trying to say.
Steve.
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Comment posted by zenbuddhist
(2004-06-24 08:06:29 zenbuddhist2001@yahoo.co.uk)
Send zenbuddhist a Private
Message | fuck sake stevie man have you lost your fuckin mind .......leave the poetry tae the no-mark talentless fucks!!!!!.....*G*.....haha cheersbruvZ | |
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Comment posted by TheGeeza
(2004-06-24 10:01:50 it_steve@hotmail.com)
Send TheGeeza a Private
Message | As Spacegirl said, I've gone soft ...
Cheers, Z ... | |
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Comment posted by e-griff
(2004-06-24 11:02:30 egriff2004@aol.com)
Send e-griff a Private
Message | thanks a lot, mate. *I* write poetry too, you know. (O sorry: - d'ya ken?) *should I say 'Jimmy' - no, probably too familiar and might incite him*
There's nowt wrong wi' poetry that a night in the byre wi't randy ram cain't fix - Zebediah Chutzpah. | |
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Comment posted by Sunken
(2004-06-27 16:29:20 sneak@tukauthorsdotcom)
Send Sunken a Private
Message | Geezer, seriously, stop it with the poetry. I don't need this kinda competition in my life. From never getting picked at games to being 'Pupil most likely to top himself' I've had it hard. My odd success on the Uka forum is the only thing keeping me stable. Do you really want my breakdown on your conscience? Think on (-;
Oh, great poem (I guess)
s n e a k
u
n
k
e
n | |
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Comment posted by TheGeeza
(2004-06-27 17:39:45 it_steve@hotmail.com)
Send TheGeeza a Private
Message | lol ... consider me retired. I shall gracefully retire and leave the playground to you.
Ta for comment! | |
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Comment posted by Saxonshadow
(13-12-2006 02:41)
Send Saxonshadow a Private
Message | I like this piece, I like 'blunt' and 'in yer face' if you follow, if it were mine I would have written it slightly differently but that is me, your final line showed a cruel reality all too often seen, I very much enjoyed,,,, SS | rated 7 |
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