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Random Story |
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Poetry: THE DEAD 02-12-2005 - by Simon
(182 words) |
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I wrote this at breakfast and am sending it in because it's Thursday and I haven't written any poetry for a while, struggling with a novel that nobody likes except me.
THE DEAD
My wife is away, attending to her
mother’s dying. I stand holding this
unsuccessful mug of coffee
gazing through cold glass into the ruin
of our garden. From nowhere
the snow begins
a static of disparate flakes floating.
The radio program’s theme is Venice
sinking as its lagoon swells like a boil.
A consortium of engineers will build
a profitably monstrous array of
machinery to hold back the tide
like Disneyworld or Las Vegas.
In the film Death in Venice, the CBC lady
continues, Visconti made Thomas Mann’s writer
Gustave Aschenbach into a composer
based on Gustav Mahler.
Dirk Bogarde based his performance on
the life of Herbert von Karajan.
“But the true star of the film
is…” (Venice, I think) but no: “The music…”
Mahler is dead.
Visconti and Mann are dead.
Dirk Bogarde is dead.
Von Karajan is dead.
Venice is sinking.
“The music of Mahler seems to float over it
like a mist.” It begins
softly. I burst into tears
and have to put down my mug
watching the blurred flakes filtering down.
Critique/comments welcome
Average Score: 10 / Votes: 3
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Comment posted by bluepootle
(02-12-2005 08:56)
Send bluepootle a Private
Message | Hi Simon. I like this very much - a great start with the 'unsuccessful mug of coffee'. I think that maybe you could make the reader work a little more and therefore get more reward from the poem by cutting verse four (the list of the dead) - the title and the last line alone could provide that comparison for you, and verse 3 and 5 would link together so well... Hope that helps! | |
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Comment posted by tai
(02-12-2005 12:44)
Send tai a Private
Message | Blue! Rock and Roll is all you need! 10 from Tai | |
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Comment posted by Gerry
(02-12-2005 03:06)
Send Gerry a Private
Message | I liked this--a good read, different.
This is my fourth read today about death and dying--must be a Friday ;-)
Gerry. | |
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Comment posted by Simon
(03-12-2005 11:24)
Send Simon a Private
Message | Many thanks for your thoughtful comments. I think I'll leave the list of dead in, as it hits me that they're ALL gone now. I've made some other changes and here's the latest version. | |
Author: [ delete ] this comment |
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Comment posted by Bradene
(04-12-2005 11:58)
Send Bradene a Private
Message | I love this poem especially the first stanza, but the last three are perfect a masterpiece in my opinion. Valx | rated 10 |
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Comment posted by AnthonyEvans
(05-12-2005 10:58)
Send AnthonyEvans a Private
Message | i don't believe that only you like your novel, simon; if this poem is anything to go by it must be damn good in an inter-rest-ing way..
like the others who have commented, i very much enjoyed this poem.
i don't usually find myself disagreeing with bluepootle but i kind of like that stanza, the one she wants you to strangle at birth: they are all dead and venice is sinking. i mean, they are all great (i've read them, listened to them, watched them at the movies) and venice (not that i've been there) is great ... i mean, there is a real sense of LOSS there.
the only thing that threw me a bit was the last stanza because that suddenly took us into other spaces. i mean, we are with you and that fantastically unsuccesful mug of coffee and your wife is away (her mother is dying) and then there is that radio programme where everything good seems to have gone out of this world. and then we get that boy kissing you and i think: what's that? i would prefer it if you saved that for another story because i think this one has a beginning, a middle and an end. the end being that hot (i imagine it as hot) mug of coffee being put down and you crying because your wife is away visiting her dying mother and the radio show has echoed that, brought that sense of LOSS home to you.
ehm, just some of my thoughts.
best wishes, anthony.
ps small things department: bogard is with an E: bogarde. | |
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Comment posted by Simon
(06-12-2005 04:46)
Send Simon a Private
Message | Hmmm indeed. Anthony, I think you're right. I've left the list in, stuck an e on Bogarde and cut the last 3 lines. I do like it ending on 'down.' I'd tried to suggest a gay love affair that's ended long ago and I've just heard he's dead, presumably of AIDS, but maybe it doesn't come across. | |
Author: [ delete ] this comment |
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Reply from Simon
Another thing: would it be too much to replace the first two lines with the brutal:
My wife is overseas
burning her mother's things
No? Too much?
Simon |
Comment posted by AnthonyEvans
(06-12-2005 09:47)
Send AnthonyEvans a Private
Message | (the thing with the old gay story is that it feels a bit tacked on ... or maybe even like a scene from 'death in venice' whereas the rest of the poem feels pretty much self-contained; so i think you are right to cut it)
You ask:
Another thing: would it be too much to replace the first two lines with the brutal:
My wife is overseas
burning her mother's things
No? Too much?
My answer: it would be too much because we haven't lost venice yet, the death of venice, like the death of the mother is yet to come. so to have your wife actually burning her mother's things would be a kind of end, something final and static, rather than a movement towards death.
best wishes, anthony.
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Comment posted by flossieBee
(07-12-2005 12:26)
Send flossieBee a Private
Message | A tender and sad poem. An interesting stream of consciousness. | |
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