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Random Story |
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Fiction: Ginger's prose challenge 03-12-2007 - by delph_ambi
(261 words) |
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No Photo
Supplied Short story for Ginger's prose workshop challenge.
A Sliver of Bone
She kneels in the mud unpicking Romano-British field system crop-marks.
He sits in front of his television and watches the mysterious blonde, whom he sometimes glimpses for a moment or two behind the man in the colourful jumper, or the other one with the mad red hair. Then she's gone, but it doesn't matter; he's taped this and every episode of Time Team, and can watch her again and again, over and over to his heart's content.
She crouches in the trench, trowel in hand, and scrapes away a layer of dirt, happy to work on in the midday sun while everyone else has gone for a pint. She thinks she's being watched, but it doesn't matter; she's close now – so close. They won't find out, not now, not ever. She scrapes the dirt, lets the sun dry out faint markings, mixes up soil (post hole? what post hole?) and pockets a sliver of bone... is discovered and sacked from the programme hours later, but at least the job is done.
The next series starts and he watches and waits and hopes, but he never sees her again, never knows what she dropped all those hundreds of years ago, returning too late, caught and murdered; never knows why the babies were safe so long as nobody found – found what?
She holds on tight to a fading existence, sleeping on chalk beneath Nine Barrow Down, waiting until the time is right to return to Langton Matravers to search for a sliver of bone.
Critique/comments welcome
Average Score: 9 / Votes: 1
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Comment posted by Rupe
(03-12-2007 04:41)
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Message | I thought I got it - and now I'm not so sure. However, the terse, compressed prose is ideal for the archaelogical theme & sense of mystery. Intriguing stuff.
Rupe | |
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Reply from delph_ambi
Thanks Rupe. Sometimes I think I should expand this one to give more of the background story, but then instead I contract it (there's a poem version) so I think it naturally needs to be short. |
Comment posted by e-griff
(03-12-2007 05:36)
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Message | I liked it, but no, I didn't understand it :-) | |
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Reply from delph_ambi
Glad you liked it :) Yeah, it's a bit incomprehensible. At least my patterned people poem was clear... |
Comment posted by petersjm
(03-12-2007 09:43)
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Message | Ditto the others. Thought I figured it out, then lost it, then figured it, then lost it again... :-) But it reads almost like an urban legend: the watcher, the ghost of a woman returning for something she lost... All it needs is for the woman to murder anyone who goes near the "plot" to be a fully fledged urban legend! Good writing! :-) x PJ | |
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Reply from delph_ambi
Yes, could become an 'urban legend' type tale. Not a bad idea, that. If I ever work out exactly what's happened in the story, I'll develop it further. |
Comment posted by bluepootle
(03-12-2007 11:44)
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Message | Great rhythm in it, and it certainly held my attention, even if I didn't follow it either! | |
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Reply from delph_ambi
Thanks! I'll work out the story one of these days and let everyone know. |
Comment posted by Ginger
(03-12-2007 03:36)
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Message | I thought maybe the ghost of the mother who was searching for the bones was possessing people, so she could find the bones? Maybe?
Apart for the delicious surrealism, this was a brilliant compact read. Especially liked the second paragraph.
Lisa x | |
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Reply from delph_ambi
I hadn't thought of possession. It's certainly an angle to be considered. Glad you liked the story :) |
Comment posted by SugarMama34
(03-12-2007 05:00)
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Message | Delph - I liked the eeriness to this and the mysterious feel to it too, But I, like the others don't quite fully understand it.
A story like this can be taken in so many ways and with many interprutations. It holds the reader though and kept me interested. I've read this a few times now and still enjoyed it even though I'm not quite sure what to make of the ending.
Lis'. xx | |
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Reply from delph_ambi
Yes, the ending's a bit weird. The reader thinks she's found the sliver of bone, so why does she have to return? Beats me. I could do quite a harsh critique of this story if I wanted... I think perhaps the ending should be dropped. (I don't use it in the poem version.) |
Comment posted by TheGeeza
(03-12-2007 05:20)
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Message | Captured my attention, that's for sure. I liked this too - not sure what it meant either, though! So that's impressive that you managed to fox us all.
She was murdered by the man and he knows that some evidence will come out one day. Her spirit is trying to reveal its long lost secret but it never quite gets out but it's always there. His spirit can't rest because of it. (I couldn't rest having to watch Time Team over and over either).
Very cryptic but compelling in a strange way. You have to tell!!
Steve.
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Reply from delph_ambi
Steve, you've come as close to telling the story as I could. I think possibly there's more to it than just his fear of evidence, however. I think she protected someone, and she's still protecting them, though quite how that works I've no idea.
Thanks :) |
Comment posted by e-griff
(04-12-2007 02:20)
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Message | but delph - YOU have to know. If you don't know, the writing i hollow, a dead end.
If you had known, maybe we would not all have been puzzled (in a bad way for a reader)
almost there - great idea, scenario --- just complete! | |
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Reply from delph_ambi
Life's not like that though, is it. And fiction has to be true to life.
I don't know what the hell is going on half the time. None of us do. We muddle through, making it up as we go along. Why shouldn't a story do that too?
I think everything that happens in the story is logical. There are many gaps, true - many pieces of information missing. The writer doesn't know what they are, so the reader can't know either, but can maybe fill in the gaps according to their own experience.
That's the way it goes.
By the way, the poem version's much clearer, I reckon, but if you want to read it, you'll have to buy the book, due out late January. :)
delph_ambi, woman of mystery
PS, this post was just me being argumentative. You could well be right that it would be improved if at least I knew what was going on. |
Comment posted by e-griff
(08-12-2007 09:05)
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Message | Blimey, delph - you've started talking like Nicoletta. Phew! I'd avoid that for a start. :-) | |
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Reply from delph_ambi
hehe - don't be cheeky (to Nicoletta, that is). :-P |
Comment posted by artisus
(08-12-2007 09:24)
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Message | e-griff wrote: Blimey, delph - you've started talking like Nicoletta. Phew! I'd avoid that for a start. :-)
heheheh. right.
(I think the first line can help the reader solve the mystery that and "Time Team", but what am I saying this piece is 'full' of excellent gaps, I enjoyed reading it a lot and I think it's a great read.) | rated 9 |
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Reply from delph_ambi
Many thanks for the 'hot story' accolade. Greatly appreciated! Really pleased you enjoyed it. :-) |
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