UKAuthors - When Knights were Bold <i>1st Dragontail story</>

The beautiful princess waits to be rescued by her knight - but is he the right knight?

The hillside basked in the noonday sun, a smooth lawn of green turf studded with flowers. The beautiful young virgin sat under an oak tree, to which she was attached by several lengths of rope. She had obviously expected a long wait, as she had brought her embroidery. She looked up eagerly as the Black Knight approached.

"Kevin!" she cried.

Then the smile froze on her face as she took in his appearance. The knight's armour was not black by design; it was blistered and blackened by fire, and badly dented.

"You're not Sir Kevin Dandiprat!"

"No," admitted the knight. "Sir Eustace Curdylion, professional dragon-slayer. At your service, miss. And you would be the Princess Maremma?"

"I am," she said, "but what are you doing here? Sir Kevin's supposed to be rescuing me."

"I don't know anything about that. I just heard the proclamation, thought I'd try for the reward. There is a reward, I take it?"

"Of course there is! Me. And half the kingdom."

"I usually go for cash-in-hand, but I'm not as young as I was, and with dragons getting so scarce, I thought, why not settle down?"

"But I don't want to marry you," wailed the princess. "I want to marry Kevin!"

"Um. This Dandiprat feller. Young, is he? Nice shiny armour, green plume on his helmet?"

"Yes! You've seen him then?"

"Silly twerp wouldn't give way at the ford. Had to knock him arse over tit into the water. Sorry."

The princess stared aghast. "You - you stupid oaf," she spluttered. "You've ruined everything!"

"Well, how was I to know? It's supposed to be an open competition."

"You couldn't just go away? Let Kevin do it?"

"Oh no," he said, shocked. "Not after I've put my name down. That would be unprofessional. I've got my reputation to consider. Anyway, I doubt if your Kevin would get here in time. Horse ran away. And the dragon's due at noon. In fact, isn't that it coming now?"

She looked up. In the sky, a black dot was rapidly growing larger.

"Looks like you're stuck with me, unless you want to be ate."

"Bugger," said the princess.

Sir Eustace drew his sword and cut the ropes which bound her to the tree. "Get behind those rocks out of the way. It's going to get a bit dodgy round here in the next few minutes."
"No, wait!" cried the princess. "You don't understand."

Ignoring her protests, Sir Eustace picked her up and dumped her behind a nearby rock. He was only just in time. The dragon was upon them. It circled once, then dived on Sir Eustace, hissing like a hundred saucepans boiling over and spouting flame like a blowlamp. Sir Eustace held his ground. You could see he had done this sort of thing before. He waited until the flaming breath was almost upon him then sidestepped , catching the dragon a smart blow with his sword on the nearest wing.

"Ow!" The dragon skittered to a halt. "That hurt!"

"It was supposed to," said Sir Eustace. "That's the idea." He stepped forward, raising his sword. The dragon retreated.

"You keep off," it cried, "or I'll tell me mam! Nobody said nothing about getting hurt, or I wouldn't have come."

The princess jumped out from behind her rock. “Leave it alone,” she cried. “Poor little thing!”

Sir Eustace stared from one to the other. "Am I missing something here?" he said.
* * *

"Now let me get this straight," said Sir Eustace. They were sitting on the grass sharing one of a couple of pork pies from Sir Brian's saddlebag. He had given the other to the dragon to keep it quiet. A few wisps of smoke drifted up from behind the rocks.

"You and Sir Kevin had an arrangement with this dragon."

"Yes. I did try to tell you - "

"All right, I said I was sorry! Anyway, you would get to marry Sir Kevin, but what was the dragon getting out of it?"

"I was going to give him my rabbits. I'm bored with them, and I've got far too many, they keep escaping and eating all the cabbages. But now it's all gone wrong, and I'll have to marry you instead.!"

"What's this Kevin got that I haven't?" enquired Sir Eustace.

"He's tall and handsome and writes poetry and plays admirably - "

"Oh yes?"

" - upon the lute," she finished firmly.

"Well, I'm sure we can sort something out. Maybe if I just took the half kingdom. Sir Kevin can have you and welcome. Would your father buy it?"

"He might . . . "

They watched as a disconsolate figure mounted the hill. His once proud plume drooped like a wilted lettuce, and his joints squeaked. He reached them at last and sat down with a clang.

"I'd get some oil on that lot," advised Sir Eustace, "before you rust solid. Sorry we've finished the pork pies. There's some pickled onions left if you like."

Sir Kevin removed his helmet. The princess leapt up and flung her arms round his neck.

"Darling!" she cried. "I thought all was lost, but nice Sir Eustace say you can have me as long as he gets to keep half the kingdom. So we can be married after all."

"Hang on," said Sir Kevin. "If we don't get half the kingdom, what are we supposed to live on?"

"Who cares, when we've got each other? We'll have a little cottage, with roses round the door."

"Well, I don't fancy living next door to a load of peasants," declared Sir Kevin. "If we don't get the kingdom, we'll have to stay with Mother."

"I'm not living with your mother!"

"Now I know you don't exactly hit it off - "

"Hit it off! She hates me!"

Sir Eustace wandered round the rock to where the dragon was lying. "Haven't seen a dragon round here in years." he said.

"Not surprised," said the dragon. "We've been hunted to extinction, nearly. Practically an endangered species. All the big ones are gone, only tiddlers like me left. There's plenty of food to go round now. We don't need to come here ravaging."

"Yes, the dragon slaying business has gone down the plughole," agreed Sir Eustace. "The last job I had was killing an escaped pig. It's demeaning. And then they wouldn't pay the full whack. Said I hadn't left it in an edible condition! What brought you here, then?

"They dared me. My big brothers," said the dragon. "Said I'd never have the nerve to eat a princess. Not that I was going to, mind. She looks a bit indigestible."

"Mmm. I don’t much like the look of her either. Fancy marrying someone who'd feed her rabbits to a dragon. What if she got bored with me?"

"I was going to take a bit of her dress back, dipped in rabbit's blood. Do you think she might - ?

Sir Eustace peered round the rock. The princess was lying on the ground, screaming and drumming her heels.

"Doesn't look the best moment to ask. I don't rate my chances of getting my hands on half the kingdom very high, either."

"They'll all laugh at me when I get back," mourned the dragon. A large steaming tear rolled down his nose.

"I say," said Sir Eustace. "I've had an idea. You don’t want to go home, and I’ve pretty well run out of dragons to fight. This could be a really good business opportunity for both of us.”

“What do you mean?”

"I suggest we go into partnership. After all, if Sir Kevin could pretend to kill you, why can't I? We find a likely village - that pig one would do for a start. You do a spot of ravaging -"

"Ooh, can I? I like that bit, it's fun."

" - nothing to drastic. Then I show up, chase you off and collect the fee."

The dragon hesitated. "You wouldn't really kill me?"

"Of course not. Knight's honour. Anyway, I'll need you for the next stop, won't I? We'll just find a secluded spot, tear the grass up a bit, scatter some pig's blood about . . . "

"But will they believe you? With no body?"

"What? Mere peasants doubt the word of a knight? They wouldn't dare! It'll be a doddle. What do you say?"

"All right then, you're on," said the dragon. "When do we start?"

"No time like the present. I'll just get my horse."

The princess and Sir Kevin paused momentarily in their shouting match as a snatch of song floated by them on the breeze.

“In days of old, when knights were bold,
And women weren’t
invented,” sang Sir Eustace,
“They all drilled holes in
telegraph poles . . . ”

“What’s a telegraph pole?” asked the dragon. Their voices faded away down the hill.

This is the first Dragontail - the others are : 2) The Dreadful Shepherdess 3) A Wizard Wheeze 4) Mistress Gurney's Box 5) The Castle of Maidens 6) The Unicorn and the Almost-Virgin 7) A Dragon called Snowdrop 8) Saving Sir Kevin 9) The Knight of the Ungrail 10) Stagnapped!